Layla's Dark and Foreboding Weblog

So when you have a vagina, most people tend to assume things about you, especially if they've never met you in person. Turns out, because of said vagina, there are a few things that I'm supposed to be privy to:

1. Weddings have themes. Did you know that? Me neither. I was asked by a fellow bride (I have fellows now) what my theme was. Her's is gonna be "Winter Wonderland". Her sister had "Summer in Tuscany" (though her wedding actually took place in Swisher, TX (Pop. 76)). I said "No. No theme here." So I started pondering some themes, and the types of themes that may be indicative of the sort of lifestyle that M and I tend to embrace. Here are some ideas, tell me what you think:

Big Ragin' Homos! - Now, neither of us are gay, but we sure have a lot of gay friends. I'm thinking a transvestite DJ, cream puffs rather than wedding cake, and pigs in blankets. Abba playing all night.

I Swear I Can Do One More Shot! - Oh, we all know that you really *can't* do that last shot, but if it were the wedding theme, than you HAVE to! Yeah, my mom will be passed out in a corner, and my brothers will be puking in their shoes, but who would ever forget it? I could have my theme colors Puce and Chunky. Modern, yet timeless.

You've Come a Long Way Baby! - I figure if I hurry up, get off the birth control and start humpin' like bunnies, I can be showing by the wedding. We can have a wedding/baby shower all at once, and save a lot on catering!

Anyway, those are just some ideas.

2. Girls have a lot of friends. Actually, turns out that this one doesn't. I really don't like most women I meet, and the ones that I do like, thankfully, aren't privy to all this crap either. So, rather than try to go out and find a crapload of women to befriend in the next 10 months, we've decided to have co-ed parties. That way I can have my brothers on my side.

3. Ice Sculptures make your wedding an unforgettable event. Did you know that? No, because you don't have a vagina. You do have a vagina? Well, then you probably don't have a lot of friends. Cause everyone knows that a $600 piece of hard water in the shape of a swan make marriage work. Duh.

Thank god for people like me, I gotta say. People like me who aren't lazy, I should add. There are a lot of resources for people who don't want to fall prey to the $500 BILLION a year rip-off known as the Bridal Industry. Sites like IndieBride.com are awesome. They have a catch phrase : "We read the bridal magazines so you don't have to." Also, M bought me the Anti-Bride Guides (their phrase: "The Rules and how to Bend Them), which have proven invaluable. You know, I've done the wedding thing before, but had no input on much (most) of it. My MIL was a horrible, evil woman who scorned me and my family. M's family, while opinionated, are a joy to plan with. They actually listen. Granted, they may be just pretend-listening, but it's better than nothing.

So we may now say fuck all, and head to Cabo. We'll invite everyone, and if they wanna come, so be it. We'd love everyone to be there, but understand that people are afraid of Mexicans. If these people are ok with being racist, cultural snobs, it's ok with me.