Layla's Dark and Foreboding Weblog

I've lately been contemplating the role of deceit in my life, in relationships, in love, in business. I, like many teenagers, was a deceitful child. I lied about everything: drinking, smoking, sex, money, and school - you name it. As I got older the lies became usually pretty tame, white lies, resume bulking. Then, in my mid-20's, I lost someone very dear to me, but not before a host of lies and deceit wrapped around us.

I lied to P. P lied to me. We both lied to our friends and family, mostly about our split. After the split, P and I would talk and write letters to each other, filled with details of our lives at the current time. He would say "If so-and-so asks, please don't tell them we're still talking." I would lie to my then-boyfriend about seeing P. We would meet up at a local park or bar when I was in town, and it was all very hush-hush. He didn't want his friends (once my friends) to know why and when and how we kept in contact. That wound up being something that I regretted, and told him about.

P's mom lied. She lied to the doctors and nurses at the hospital when he was brought in. When P was about to be taken off of life support, she finally divulged that he was married. P and I had started divorce proceedings, but were legally married at this point, thus making me the only person who could make decisions about his care. When I got the call from the hospital, he had already been there, dying for days. Her lies gave me no chance to say my goodbye to him. I did get to say goodbye, only after he died. I had a private viewing at the funeral home, before the wake. It was a life changing experience, to say the least.

Which brings us back to P's lies, and to my lies. She didn't know that P and I were still in contact. He lied to her about it. He lied to her about the divorce. I had to "prove" to her that we were still in touch, that I deserved a spot there, by reading a letter from him from only a week or so earlier. She had no idea, and I would venture to guess that most of the people around him had no idea. He was lying to his friends about things going on in his life, begging me not to tell anyone, which led to more lies and more deceit. But the lies that P's mom told were the manifestation of the prodigal son she had living in her mind.

After P's death, his mother contacted me on a weekly basis. She would go on to tell me that I couldn't tell anyone about our conversations. Her family couldn't deal with it. She obviously didn't know the reasons behind our breakup, and it seems that the whole thing was so convoluted and full of misinformation and judgment, that it wasn't worth it to tell her at this point. It finally got to where I had to say "enough". I couldn't be the person that she came to to commiserate our loss. She would tell me that she blamed his death on L, a friend of his (and, once, mine), that she knew that L had poisoned his body and his mind. Then she would switch to me, that because I left him, that I was the obvious choice of blame. It went around and around. The truth was this: P died. P lived his own life, and made his own, albeit poor, decisions. People break up every day. People blame the world every day. But when push comes to shove, a 30 year old person is responsible for themselves. Not the ex of over a year, not the ex of over 10 years.

After this experience, going through this horrible thing, I literally had an epiphany. I saw the light, as it were. No more. No more bullshit. If P was responsible for his life and his place in this world, then so was I. Within three months of this, I left my boyfriend, moved to NY, worked to make enough money to get back to CA, and hit the fucking road. I was done with the lies, the excuses and the pain that went along with it. Any pain that came my way at this point on was coming because it should. No amount of bullshit was going to put off the horrible feeling of losing your partner of 9 years. It just wasn't.

So therein began my brutal honesty phase. When I met my future husband that spring, I told him everything about myself. I explained about P, and how I wasn't ready to put him or his memory out of my life. I told him about Bob, the awful ex, and how I would never put up with anyone that made me feel bad about myself again. I told him that my family was extremely important to me, and always would be. I introduced him to one of my best friends, S, who is a guy, and said I would never stop being friends with him, no matter whether I dated a jealous person or not. I admitted my past mistakes and regrets, explained the poor choices and why, and how I would never make them again. All of the warnings meant nothing to this guy, who had a heart bigger than you could imagine. He would ask questions about P, talk about kicking Bob's ass, and became great friends with S. Thankfully, M was the one. The one who said "It's not baggage, it's experience. It's only baggage if you don't learn from it." I certainly lucked out, probably way more than I deserved to.

Now, it's not that I don't care what people think, I just don't care enough to build lies around events. I have much different ways of keeping and cultivating friendships than I did with my high school group. I have a smaller, more well rounded group of people that I love to death. People who really care about themselves, and others. People who grow with each passing day and year, who can reflect on life and learn from it. That's not to say that I don't cherish the memories of times with old friends - I do. There was just a lot of misinformation and hurt that went along with it. A lot of one-sidedness and maliciousness that comes with being young and unsure of your place in the world. But that's ok. I used to harbor a lot of resentment toward some people, and all it did was eat me up. I would feel bad about myself with them for any number of reasons, and that wasn't their fault. That was my issue for either taking things too personally, or for letting someone get the best of me.

I'm at this crossroads right now, this year, today. I have a great marriage - helped along by good communication, listening when it counts and complete honesty, a career, though not my number one pick of one, a nice home, and hopefully soon, a baby. I'm at the cusp of the next step, and for once in my life, I'm not afraid to take it, nor am I afraid to fall when I do. Life happens, and we learn, and we move on. No amount of lies and tales will ever, ever, stop the wheels from turning.