Layla's Dark and Foreboding Weblog

Yes, it has. This week sucks. This Saturday would be P's 32nd birthday. He would have not wanted to do anything for it. I would have made him. He would have gotten drunk. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I tend to get really emotional/hormonal/psychotic around these landmark dates:

April 3, 1972- His birthday
April 23, 1993- The first kiss/blown out tire in his mom's car/rescuing pseudo-suicidal friend day
May 11, 1993- Official going out day
August 28, 2002- Deathday*
September 25, 1999- Wedding
October 18, 1998- Engagement
December 25th- Christmas

As you can see, misery is around every corner here in the life of Ms. Layla McCabe. Now, let's talk about Deathday. Also known as Divorceday. That would be because my divorce papers were served to me about 45 minutes after I found out P was on life support. This made my divorce null, because P was incapable of making decisions for himself the few days leading up to his death. So, I am officially a "widow".

P decided that he wasn't going to mention to his friends and family that we had kept up our relationship as friends, seeing each other every other month or so, whenever I was in NY. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. His mother didn't call me when he was brought in to the hospital days before. She only called me when she admitted to the hospital staff that he was married, and they told her they needed to not only notify me, but that I had to be the one to make a decision whether to keep him alive. Or let him die. And donate his organs.

I hadn't talked to P since June at this point, almost three months prior to this. He told me how well he was doing. He was clean. Getting sober. And he told me he wanted to die. I lost my shit. I told him that I would do anything. I'd put him on my health coverage again so he could get help. He said no, he wasn't asking anyone for anything. He talked a lot about Al and his new girlfriend, who P really liked a lot. It almost looked like things were getting better.

They never even called me. Ten years wiped away. P's family threatened me, something bad would happen if I showed up at the hospital. The hospital said that because I was his wife, I could have them removed from the premises all together. No. I wouldn't do that. They needed to be there. They needed to blame. They needed to know that no matter what god or what statue or what light they prayed to, that wasn't bringing him back. I would face them for P. I got on the next plane, to hold my husbands hand while they took him off his respirator.

By the time my plane landed, he was dead.

I wasn't allowed at the funeral. Or, I was, but it would be a "me against the world" type of scenario. People told me that his friends stayed at the back, looking guilty. They weren't. Even the ones P told me had given him dope. He made his decisions. He lived his life.

I had a private viewing of the body, the body of my poor friend, before anyone else got there. I blew my nose and wiped my tears and took that wet, snotty tissue and shoved it in the pocket of my dead friend and said "fuck if you're not taking some of me with you". And he did.

And I was alone. And I am. Because no matter what people think, no one knows what it's like to lose your husband. Even if we were apart for a year. No one knows the pain I feel every fucking day. And always will.

And his picture is on my desk right in between my dog Parker, and me and Lars Frederickson from Rancid, and two over from my sweet, beautiful M, who today sent me a bouquet of flowers with the word "smile" on them because he knows that today and tomorrow and the weekend will just suck. And he knows that my sadness about P is no reflection on my love for him. And I love him more for it.

Posted by layla at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Two things in the news yesterday made me, yet again, sick to my stomach. And though they are two very different issues, they are very much the same. Let’s start with the first one, nestled in the south (shocking!), in the state of Georgia.

In a bill which passed 160-0 without debate, the state of Georgia has banned genital piercing. That’s right. A woman can no longer get her clit or labia pierced. Her ears? Yes. Her nose? Yup. Her labret? Her bridge? Her cheeks? Her septum? Yes, yes, yes. Her pussy? No. His cock? No. Oh, wait, yes! He can! Because for some reason, the ban only applies to women.

Rep. Bill Heath, a republican (how many times can I use the word “shocking”?) from Bremen, GA said of the practice, "What? I've never seen such a thing. I, uh, I wouldn't approve of anyone doing it. I don't think that's an appropriate thing to be doing." No, that's a real quote. Well, I’ll also venture to guess he’s never given a dirty Sanchez, either. Some people just don’t know what they’re missing.

Now, after that little segue, let’s really jump into the real issue here: Control over the bodies of women. Why are men allowed to get Prince Albert’s, but a woman can’t pierce her labia? As a matter of fact, the crime will carry a sentence of up to 20 years in prison. That’s right. 20 years. Now, why, oh why are our prisons so overcrowded?

Also on Capitol Hill yesterday, a new law to be signed by GWB stating that if you harm a fetus, knowingly or not, while committing a crime against a pregnant woman, you can be charged with the crime against the mother and the unborn. The legislation defines an "unborn child" as a child in utero, which it says "means a member of the species homo sapiens, at any stage of development, who is carried in the womb." We all know where this is going.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein tried to amend the bill by making penalties more severe for attacks on pregnant women while making no attempt to “define the beginning of life”. She said, “(This is) the first step in removing a woman's right to choice, particularly in the early months of a pregnancy before viability."

Now, most Americans will see this as a good thing, without really reading into what can go wrong here. You see Laci Petersen, who was very pregnant with a baby boy, Conor, who she had every intention of keeping and nurturing and loving forever and ever. She and her unborn baby died at the hands of a murderer (allegedly her husband). She didn’t want an abortion. There is a way to draw the line. That was a double murder in the mind of most people. However, we cannot, as a nation say that a fetus at 6 weeks differs in any way than a fetus at 6 months. All of a sudden, they are trying to paint a picture of the happy little viable Jimmy, swimming all gung-ho like in Mom’s womb, smiling and dreaming of a day where he’ll be playing ball with dad, and eating hot dogs in the summer, and then what?

This will become an abortion issue. Once the Right tries to overturn Roe v. Wade (again), they will be able to use the wording of a law on the books which states in no uncertain terms that life begins at conception. It’s precedent. It will get sticky and oozy and repugnant and the gloves will be off. And gay marriage step aside, because this is where the country gets divided every time. And, doctors, get ready. And let's hope coat hangers work better this time around. And stock up on that anticeptic. Back to the dark ages we go.

Posted by layla at 10:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Did you know that if you give a virgin teenager a condom, within 10 minutes they'll end up pregnant, abused, move into a trailer park, work the swing shift at Denny's, become an alcoholic, lose her job and go on welfare? Yes, it's true! Just ask the government!

Oh, wait, that's retarded.

Harm reduction is a method used by most European countries to reduce the side effects of harmful behavior. Examples: Someone is about to shoot up with a needle found in the gutter, because no matter what, this person is addicted and will shoot up no matter what. Someone from a local clinic comes by and says "Give me that dirty needle so I can dispose of it. I know you're gonna shoot up anyway, so here is a clean, new needle." Done. One less risk of disease spread right then and there. Another: 16 year old girl is going to prove to her boyfriend how much she loves him and forgives him for having that three-way with the strippers the other night. She's finally gonna put out. But, like most 16 year olds, she's embarrassed to go into Walgreen’s to buy rubbers. Oh, wait! They gave some out at school last week. That saved her a whole lot of embarrassment, and the pressure of going through with it when her good for nothing rat bastard boyfriend doesn't have one to slide on to his little prick covered in all those bumps. Another STD avoided. Oh, and, both of those remedies are illegal.

When young girls and boys see condoms, they don't see them as an invitation to sex. It's not those greasy latex tubes that get their hormones going. It's, well, hormones. To say that handing out rubbers to kids will make the pregnancy and immorality rates skyrocket is like saying that before this was a debate there was no pregnancy or immorality. To see Christina Aguilera writhing and sweating and rubbing in her Dirty video, that makes kids want to have sex. It's time we gave them the tools to be safe about it. When you have 15 year old girls pushing double strollers through the mall, it's time to really assess the situation, and find out how to reduce these numbers. Teach these girls what a real role model is.

GWB has been backing his "abstinence only until marriage" program, wanting to pour hundreds of millions of dollars into this losing battle (sound familiar?). Every day in the US 10,000 teenagers will contract an STD. 2,400 will get pregnant. 55 will contract HIV. By limiting the information given to young people (censoring), you don't give people the option to make informed decisions for themselves. You are taking away their rights to information. I believe this has happened before.

Stop this stupid program. Stop the war on drugs. Not to sound conspiracy theoristish, but we all know that the CIA is facilitating the drug trafficking anyway. Stop bitching about welfare unless you're really ready to start educating. Stop bitching about the ignorant unless you're ready for some real uprising. Stop preaching your religious babble unless your hands are clean at the pearly gates. Fucking hypocrisy.

Posted by layla at 10:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I hope for your sake I didn't run into you after you saw The Passion. I was at a party on Saturday night, and after 3 or 9 drinks, I got into a conversation with someone who pointed out that I really can't judge the film because I hadn't seen it. I then pointed out that because I had heard about it through people who I trust, who have told me how incredibly violent & anti-Semitic it is, I won't go see it. And I won't give him a dime. Not one penny. And let me just punctuate this with some quotes from Hutton Gibson, Mel's father and the person who influenced him to make this film.

Taken word for word from a Steve Feuerstein Radio Interview with Hutton Gibson:

Steve Feuerstein
What was this event called the Holocaust?

Hutton Gibson
...They claimed that there were 6.2 million in Poland before the war and after the war there were 200,000 therefore he (Hitler) must have killed six million of them. They simply got up and left! They were all over the Bronx and Brooklyn and Sydney and Los Angeles.

Regarding the gas chamber, the gas was going the wrong way. You see it was going down instead of up….

Steve Feuerstein
Why Do the Jews construct Holocaust Museums?

Hutton Gibson
There are too many survivors. It's just a gimmick to collect money. They have to go where there is money. There is no way they would come to West Virginia. They have to have some place to go that has money. They didn't work in the mines you can bet your boots…no they don't work anywhere where they can get out of it. They're great pencil pushers they are the superior people and therefore they are entitled to the top jobs supervisory stuff and so on because they hire each other They have so much influence in the banks for instance They all look out for one another you got to give them that. They are at the same time willing to sacrifice a few of theirs if it helps…

So there you have it. More of why I won't do it. Check out this article to get an idea of how the cycle is beginning yet again. And to the girls who I may have offended on Saturday by my "sassiness" (thanks, M) I apologize. I tend to get upset when confronted with anti-Semitism, and I'm not saying you were offensive or anti-Semitic in any way at all. I've just had to deal with it my entire life and will always have to deal with it. Add that to a whole shitload of vodka and I can be a jerk.

Posted by layla at 03:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Welcome to San Francisco. On your left you'll see Steve and John walking down 18th Street pushing the double stroller with little Emma and Grace giggling from within. On the right you'll see a protest going on outside of the evil new chain (insert store type here: coffee bar, drug store, grocery store, video store, etc.) because there wasn't a community meeting to discuss the environmental and economical ramifications on the 6 blocks surrounding the store. Back there you'll see a homeless man masturbating under the freeway, and the police will let it happen. But he'll be arrested if he asks you for money. And right up ahead, you can see that you are indeed the minority being a straight, white person here. That the Bay Area has the largest Asian population outside of Hong Kong. And, that's ok here. We like that. It's called diversity. It's not just a bumper sticker in San Francisco. We do celebrate it here. But guess what? We live in a bubble.

All around our country hatred is building. Probably no more or less than it has in the past, but it's there. And as much as we like to think that the whole US of A is as open and caring and sympathetic and informed and political as us, it's just not true. And it's scary. People around the country actually hate gay people. Hate hate hate them. And they live in towns where there are no gay people. Because if you've outted yourself in a town full of haters, you leave. Or, you get beaten and tied to a fencepost and left to die with nothing but your sins. And all the rest of the queers in those towns see that and they know that if they want to keep their rural, Middle American lives sane and safe and stable, well, they better just keep quiet. And marry a nice girl. And start drinking more, because it makes you forget. And start hating yourself more for those evil dirty thoughts that no real man should have. And start beating your wife and children in a desperate attempt to soothe the broken soul of a man who could've had a normal and beautiful life if there wasn't all of this goddamn hatred.

And I can't understand any of it. I'm not gay, and I didn't grow up in an oppressed environment. Shit, if I were gay, my mother would have wanted to send out invites to my coming out party. I, though, am one of the lucky ones.

This type of hatred that is spreading through the country seems to be fueled by religion, though I can't see that being the main factor. I think that out and out hatred with such a passion of anything has to stem from inside. This collective hatred hasn't been seen since the civil rights movement. And to say that this can't be compared with racism is plain bullshit. Black people were denied basic rights just because of their skin color. Something they can't or wouldn't want to change. Gay couples are being denied basic rights just because of their sexual preference. Something they can't or wouldn't want to change.

How are we going to break down the wall of intolerance? The current administration has made it clear that it won't happen there. They're going to go a step further, in fact, and fuel it. Wait until the ads start running. This is going to divide our country.

Do I sound like a complete and total tree hugger if I say the only way to battle hate is with love? Kill ‘em with kindness? Fuck ‘em all?

Posted by layla at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ready? Ok, here are some things that drive me fucking batty. If you're a friend of mine, and say these things and have never been reprimanded by me, then lucky you. That means that I like you enough to tolerate it.

1. NOT! Who still says this? This word was put out there for fucking idiots who can't properly convey sarcasm. "Um, yeah, that dinner was DY-NO-MYTE...NOT!"

2. People who do impressions. Do you do a great Forrest Gump? No. Yes, your mom thinks you do, and maybe your 7 year old nephew, but not only do you not do a good one, you're being paged by the last fucking decade.

3. Tats. My lovely S.O. uses this and it sometimes annoys me, but at least it's credible. When the 27 year old marina chick in the Manolos comes up and says "wow! great tats!" to me, I wanna slap her. Just because her sorority sisters all made a pact to get a butterfly in the *cute* lower back spot, doesn't make her a tattooed person. It makes her a slave to trends. And to her dermatologist when she gets in removed next year.

4. Wal-Mart. Don't shop there. They're evil.

5. People who stop at the top of the escalator. Yes, there is a good chance that you're the only one going up the Muni escalator at 8 a.m. Why not just stop, think about which Starbucks you're gonna go to, maybe make a call. NOT!

6. Lovers in the morning. Great you're in love. Super that you can walk to work together, hand in hand, slowly. In the middle of the sidewalk, causing human rubbernecking on Montgomery. Take the love somewhere else, assholes.

7. Rants and Raves on Craigslist. One out of every hundred posts is funny now. When did so many losers find out about it? But Best Of is still good. I'm on it.

8. Acronyms. Why is it that people are convinced that via email, I'll know what ROFLMYAO will mean? I get these stupid messages like "Did you see that? I was RHGKLDJUOO!" Fuck.

9. Uppercase. We've all been on email for at least a few years now, right? Hasn't someone told you that CAPS IS THE SAME AS YELLING? You know who you are...

Ok, done bitching for now.

Posted by layla at 04:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The Senate voted today to reauthorize a ban on military style assault weapons, much to the dismay of militia groups throughout the country. But beyond the ban, it voted to close the gun show loophole, making background checks mandatory now. Let's look just a tad deeper into our beloved 2nd amendment, shall we?

The 2nd amendment grants us the right to bear arms. Here, actually, is the text: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. A well regulated Militia. What, pray tell, does that mean? To me (and my opinion is the only one that counts on this page) it means one of two things: (a) an army; or (b) a organized and regulated group of armed people. Why was this amendment put into our Bill of Rights, fitting snugly between our Freedom of Speech and our rights to not have soldiers hole up in your crib? Was it for freedom of hunting? Freedom of skeet shooting? Freedom of shooting pieces of paper with a silhouette of a man on it? No, I don't think so. I think it was pretty much so the soldiers who were killing your people wouldn't come into a complete unprotected area and slaughter your entire town. Or maybe it was so the rapscallions from the next farm over didn't come and swipe all your swine, leaving your family to die of starvation that winter.

I highly doubt that when our forefathers wrote this amendment into our Constitution, they had any idea of the atrocities that these firearms would be part of. First off, they're talking about BAYONETTTES, not M16s. They're talking about protecting your family because your closest neighbor is 2500 acres away. Not kids coming into schools and shooting people. Not 4 year olds shooting their brothers and sisters because Daddy was too drunk to remember to unload the gun. Or to put the trigger lock on. Because guns are fun. And kids like fun.

Guns should not be legal for civilians to own. They should not. No way. Police, fine. Military, obviously. But who is to say that one person is going to be a better gun owner than another. Guns don't kill people, people kill people says the NRA. What about a child? Who is to blame then? The parents? The NRA for promoting guns as safe? The forefathers for being blind as to what this might lead to in the future? The gun manufacturers?

Hunting is a barbaric sport. Forget population control. Stop cutting down the forests where these animals live. The reason they're all over "our" land is because their land is gone. You don't need an Uzi to hunt. Skeet shooting? Come on. It's worth the tens of thousands of gun related deaths that occur each and every year so you can shoot a fucking clay disc?

Get them off the streets. Black market? Cut trade relations with countries who manufacture these things to begin with until we ebb the tide. China shouldn't be trading with us anyway. How is it that we're the only western country with such 3rd world laws? How is it that Europe has such a low violent crime rate? Why is it that the numbers, the pictures and the stories can be in front of us, yet we refuse to see? How utterly American of us.

Posted by layla at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)