Layla's Dark and Foreboding Weblog

I'm ascared. I'm leaving for Dallas in six days. Why am I scared? Well, leaving everything I know, for one. My friends, my family, my job. Why the hell am I doing this?

For love. For my future. For the chance to be with the man I love. To be emotionally supported by someone who has a vested interest in me. To have the chance at a life better than this.

You know, the past year and a half I have been doing what I never thought I could do. I got to know me. I've lived this time alone, worked for only me, spent a lot of time with me, went to the movies with only me, out to dinner with me, debated with me, snuggled with me, got drunk with me, drove around with me, criticized me, had sex with me, read with me (and without me reading over my shoulder). I wanted that for so long. And you know what? I've grown so much in this year and a half. Yes, in the poundage area, but mostly within myself. I finally feel confident in what I say, and I can actually admit when I'm wrong. And I know now that it's ok to not know it all.

I've expanded my thoughts, become more firm in my convictions. Learned to love people around me, even if we don't think the same way*. I'm more compassionate to those less fortunate, and I've realized how rich I really am. I have the best family, the most honest and loyal friends, and I have learned to chip away at the wall that I put up.

I am now ready for this. I can take on the world. I hope!

*I still hate republicans though.

Posted by layla at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Unlike other states, California has refused federal money associated with sex education in our schools. When a state accepts this money, they are required to teach what is known as “Abstinence Only” education, or more commonly known as “A Big Fucking Misleading Lie”.

Dubya has interwoven his fundamentalist religion into the core of our educational system in many ways, but this one is actually blatant, not sneaky, and right out there in the open for us to see with our own disbelieving eyes. There is no false pretense here. This is religion in schools. Morality and dogma being preached to our (well, your) children in public institutions. When you send your child to parochial school, you expect that they will be taught in the way of the Judeo-Christian bible. If you’re not religious, and just send your children there for the superior education they’ll receive, you actually have a chance to counteract the crap they fill their easily molded minds with. You shouldn’t expect that in public school. Whitewashing over American history, yes, but religion?

California, in 1999, was number 11 in the country for teen pregnancy. In 2004 we’re now number 21. We’ve gotten better. Why? Because we’ve decided to say, “Are you kidding me? They’re having sex anyway, let’s just admit that, protect them and get on with it, you fucking nitwit.” Or something to that effect. Proof that having morality stuffed down our throats by bible-thumping, egomaniacal politicians just doesn’t work.

Score one for us!

Posted by layla at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Person 1: “I’m pregnant!”
Person 2: “Ew. Why?”

Person 1: “I’m in love!”
Person 2: “Jesus. Have you really thought about this?”

Person 1: “I’m buying a home 3 hours outside of the city so I can have the home I want and can afford for my family.”
Person 2: “You’re going to hate it.”

Person 2 is kind of an asshole, right? Person 1 is embarking on a new phase of her life, and is excited and proud enough to share it with Person 2, a friend. Person 2 thinks that they should be a model for good decision making, even though Person 1 realizes that Person 2 has no fucking clue what they’re talking about.

This has been my experience since I’ve made the decision to go to Dallas. No, I’m not pregnant. Actually, I’m doing something less permanent, more changeable. Yes, I’m in love. No, I’m not moving three hours outside of the city. I’m just moving to a different one.

You know, what really makes me mad is that the very first thing out of peoples mouths when I tell them is complete and total negativity. No “Wow, Layla! You’re going to be great there!” Or “Holy fucking shit on a shingle! You’ve wanted to be a professional writer your ENTIRE life, and now you get the chance!” Not even a measly “Not the first place I’d pick to live, but shit, you’ve gotta start somewhere!” I’m surprised they’re not saying, “Layla, why are you leaving the city, where around every corner are ghosts of your dead husband, lost moments, and living paycheck to paycheck? No, you really should be 2,000 miles away from a man who loves and respects and supports you to stay in a city where you can be a mere $12,000 above the poverty line! Come on! We all love paying $2.50 a gallon for gas. Why move to a state with a republican governor, when you can live in a state with an ACTOR republican governor? Please? Please pay $1600 a month for a 600 sq. ft. one bedroom? Pretty please? Be an admin for the rest of your life? Pleeeeeeeeease?”

Not one fucking person has taken into account that maybe I need to move the fuck on. I need to get to the next level. I need to save money. Buy a house. Have kids. Have a career. Why is it the selfish, unwarranted needs of people who aren’t even really my friends (more like friend-lies) make me feel so bad? I feel guilty about my friends, my family, my co-workers. Fuck. What the fuck about me? I need to just do this for me.

Stop making me feel bad. You want me here to solve YOUR problems. What about mine? I’m sick and fucking tired of everyone’s issues. This is mine to have. Don’t ruin my chance at happiness, you selfish fucks.

FUCK.

Posted by layla at 03:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)