Have you ever completely purged someone from your life, only to have them spontaneously reappear in your dreams at the most inopportune time?
Well, lately, since M and I became engaged, Bob has come back into my life, via my dreams. In these dreams, he is often little more than a bit player. It's not that he's a huge part of them at all. It's that for the few moments he's there, he absolutely terrifies me. He, I'm sure, would be very happy to hear it.
I told M about it, and he suggested that I contact Bob to have the closure I never got by leaving him suddenly when he was out of the house. (Suddenly for him. Not for me.)
I've thought about it recently. It wouldn't be too hard, since he's moved to Texas since I got here. I know he lives in Austin (thanks to a friend on Cape Cod who for some reason thought I would benefit from this knowledge), and I know that Nate went with him, and I know that his band has since broken up.
As you know, Bob comes from a very disturbing background. If you went to Leavenworth and asked some of the most hardened criminals what their childhood was like, chances are, they would be parallel to Bob's. Came from an abusive home. Tortured animals. Did drugs, drank, dropped out of school...the whole nine.
Looking back on the two years I spent with him, I have to think that I myself was drugged. I mean, it's amazing what I put up with there. I've always been around smart people. To say that Bob wasn't smart is an understatement. He was not only an idiot, he was one of those ignorant idiots that *think* they're smart. They think that they've fooled everyone. That people can't see through the piles of bullshit building up from every word that they spew. I would go to court with him every few weeks (WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?) to help him gain partial custody of his son. I hope and pray every day that after I left that little weasel that his sons mother and her family finally succeeded in purging that idiot from their lives.
He said to me one day, "There will come a time when you meet an ex-girlfriend of mine who will tell you what an asshole I am" or something to that effect. Well, it didn't come from an ex. It came from EVERYONE. His friends. His family. His co-workers. EVERYONE. There is not one human being on earth who would be able to honestly say: "Hey. That Bob Melvin is a really good guy." Never. Not good. Not decent. Not honest or respectable. He's a racist. A bigoted retard. His misplaced anger and animosity finally wore me down.
After he held my head against the wall and began to punch holes next to it, screaming "What the fuck are you crying about? I'm not even touching you, you fucking cunt," This was three days before Christmas. I was the SECOND girlfriend who he'd thrown the Christmas tree at. The girlfriend just before me was thrown out of the house after telling Bob she'd slept with a black man at one time. He called her a "nigger puppet" and told her never to come back.
Soon after I left him, after spending about two months in New York saving up for an apartment, I moved back to California. Bob had the audacity to email me. He actually said that I was wrong for not saying goodbye to him. At first, he gently tugged at my heart strings, and I thought "Oh. I feel bad." He said, "I'll move to San Francisco with you. I'll be good. I miss Parker." I thought about my dog cowering in the corner after Bob threw a chair at him, and threatened to feed him antifreeze when I went out. After about 20-30 seconds of thought, I e-mailed back to him to never try to contact me again. It was NEVER going to happen.
What's funny even, was that I spoke to a Cape Cod friend of mine about three months later who said that Bob told her that I had tried to rekindle our flame. She didn't buy it for a moment, seeing as she was one of the people who had helped facilitate my getaway.
I met M about six months later. I had dated a bit, had a few flings with random people. M and I clicked immediately. Not only was he the antithesis of Bob, he was nothing like anyone I had ever met on earth. He didn't sit there like Bob did and ask me creepy questions like "How many blowjobs have you given?" only to respond that you were a slut if the number was over 1. I had told Bob that I was with like 4 people my whole life or some shit like that. I lied to him about EVERYTHING because he would blow up completely. We would fight for days if he even suspected I flirted with someone at work. I thought about telling him about one of his friends I was fucking, but thought that might send him over the edge. :)
Now that I'm getting married though, this little man with the big napoleon complex has come back into my life. I don't think I need my closure. I think I've had it. I think Bob's life is Bob's punishment. He's just like his father, another coward who beat his wife only to kill himself when she got up the nerve to leave him. I think that because of the mental problems that Bob has, he was able to infiltrate my consciousness years ago, and now that I'm at a point in my life that I am COMPLETELY HAPPY, he's back through my own psyche.
Well, now, I'm asking him to leave. I'm not afraid of seeing him in person, really. I mean, Bob would be up to M's belly button, so it's not that. I'm afraid of what he has become in my mind. But now, I'm not going to allow that anymore. He's leaving, and thank god. He is a toxic person, and I'm not dealing with it.
So, rather than calling him to rehash this shit, I say to him now: You are an asshole. You will die alone. People are worse off for having known you. You are a complete coward. A loser. That is all you will ever be. No one will ever truly love you, because you cannot scare them into doing so. I hope that every woman who looks your way will be able to see what I was not able to see. I hope that your poison is kept to yourself. I hope your son grows up knowing that the woman so unfortunate to have fucked up her birth control plans was also duped by you. I hope your seed dies. I wish you nothing but misfortune all of the days of your life for every sigh of ill will you have passed on to others. You are nothing. You are meaningless in life. You will be remembered for nothing other than being nothing.
Is that the "goodbye" you were hoping for?
