60%
After this process of becoming a "Failed IVF" we are now faced with a new decision to make: to try again or not. My doctor seems to feel that we have "very good chances" of making it work the next time around. At $13,000 a pop, I should hope she would be confident. Two rounds is a brand new Camry. It's a down payment on a house. It's a trip around the world.
How confident is she? Very confident. How confident was she last time? Very confident. Hmmm. She said to M on the phone last week, "Layla is not going to want to do this again, but give her time. She'll change her mind." There's an interesting article in Slate today that touches on some of the issues we face as a couple going through assisted reproduction. Peggy Orenstein, an author who wrote Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, A Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest To Become a Mother succinctly says that you become "hope's bitch." She says "You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood become the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement.' "
I've been saying this for a while. I now put a percentage on my hope. I'm 60% hopeful that this will work, with a 30% chance of twins. Is that worth it? Washington Post writer Liza Mundy in her book Everything Conceivable: How Assisted Reproduction Is Changing Men, Women, and the World talks about a doctor who told her that infertile couples are more motivated than cancer patients. It becomes all consuming. Thankfully, just one year into homeownership, we don't have the option to pull equity from our house to fund this once the insurance runs dry.
When we started this, adoption was always an option for us. Our goal is to raise kids, not to birth them. But adoption is expensive. Very, very expensive. White babies can run $20k+, Hispanic babies are pulling in $18k, and black and biracial infants are fetching $12k. That is NOT including the assistance to the birth mom, which may include paying their rent, buying groceries, their legal fees, and of course, medical bills, which can run to $10K for a c-section. I never knew why people turned to international adoption, until now. China is $20k. You get home and the baby is yours, forever. No birth mom calls or visits, no supporting her until she decides to keep her baby.
When people say "Why not adopt here? There are tons of babies available!" they aren't really telling the whole story. Because until you begin to do your intense research into the process, your notions of easy or simple are swept away. None of this is easy. None of this is simple. From the moment you hear "There is no chance that you two are going to be able to naturally conceive a child", easy ceases to be part of your vocabulary. The shots may not always hurt, but they never feel good. Getting to the clinic every day for blood draws may not be the worst thing on earth, but it's never fun. Hanging your heart on a percentage of hope isn't simple.
But when I think about years down the road, will I be ok and without regret if I don't try IVF once more? I don't know. And that makes me think about it. But I just don't know.